jherwatt’s Neighborhood

I check here almost daily, hoping for a bit of your lives shared only between us. I so miss you all.

I am learning much about myself, my life, my family - life in general.
Lessons I could not have learned by staying where I was.

I feel horrid I abandoned a cat. I should have brought Leah with me.
I'm not sure now what I could do about that.
She is being fed and the new home owners "said" they adopted her, but bottom line - I did a bad thing by just moving away and leaving her there.

We missed any parties on New Years since I was sick, but I insisted we drive to Mansfield for Ben's Aunt's traditional family feed. (Pork and cabbage) There is such an acceptance from all there. No, they are not people I completely click with like you girls, but they are family. I never knew what that meant, family, until I really focused on Ben's. Seeing that made me realize what my "family" connections have been missing. My childhood, my marriages, my children - even my friendships all were dramatically effected by my never "getting" what it was to be an active and supportive member of a "family."

It's helping me see how to interact with my mom, and my sis - basically I can't let myself "want" from them - I need to just "give" my acceptance, my support, my time. I need to just be there for them and model the family energy I see in Ben's. Same with friends. Same with my kids. Same with Ben. I need to step back from what I've experienced, or not experienced and clear a path through the roadblocks I clearly put in my OWN way to the joys of things I really WANT to experience. I need to allow the process of that enjoyment without layering it with what else I "should" be doing.

There is much less distraction here.

I keep falling into the "getting it right" mode. If I just get the right carpets, or furniture, or pictures - if I just get the basement cleaned up and fabulous - if I just stock the right foods in the pantry - if I just rearrange the furniture, or my office. If I just repaint my office red - organize all the files - move everything cluttering my life to it's RIGHT spot (what ever that is) .... that once I do ALL THAT, everything will magically fall into place and I will have the perfect life
That has been my pattern  forever.

I find things I feel I need to do BEFORE I get to the "getting it right" step too. A package to mail, a drive to take, visiting mom, shopping, shopping, shopping. Roadblocks in front of roadblocks.

And behind all of that - the work I SHOULD be doing for the clients I have! Clients who I could whip out what they need NOW if I was just doing it and not feeling blocked everything else.

And behind all of that - the bookeeping, the money, balancing, totaling, filing. My black black hole I swear EVERY YEAR I won't fall into and every year I slide into it from Sept to April. I don't have receipts I need. I loose them, I forgegt to save them. Ben does not give them to me. I don't know what to save and what to toss. I horde it all and it becomes overwhelming.

I know the solution. I can see it from where I am sitting right now. Nancy's house 3 doors down. My new friends who do bookkeeping and accounting. Her husband invested our iras. I know I could call her and set up a time for her to teach me what I need to know and tell me what to keep, what to toss, how to file things - set me up for the year. And I am writing and not calling her.  And I now know what that is too. My road blocks to bookkeeping is to keep my father's voice out of my head. When I started my business 30 years ago, I asked for his help to set up my books and teach me how to keep track  - his instruction lasted less than an hour because I could not "get it." He actually hit me on the side of the head that day, and said "are you STUPID? Why can't you GET THIS?"

Talking with Ben's mom and Aunt Bobbie - They said it must be wonderful to sit in this family room and just watch the animals and snowfall. Yes, I said - and  that I was taking photos of all the different creatures. I saw a bunny on my first night here. I told them I knew there were deer, but I had not seen them.

At 11:30 pm on the first day of the year, I realized most of the above. It was cathartic.
I went to bed and told Ben most of it, and then out of the corner of my eye I saw movement behind a fence in our back yard. Then a second movement - big, dark, fast.  I jumped up to see 2 does prancing through my yard not 30 feet from my bedroom windows. I watched them dance through the snow at midnight on the first day of the new year and felt I'd been given a gift.

I'd seen my deer.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one - Bill Gates

030120101121

One of the best parts of being in Ohio is that we have reconnected with Ben's (huge) clan of family. I've known them for over 14 years, but from a distance. I was a bit slow on getting all the names right and the spouses and the kids. When I saw one kid I'd known as a little kid (now late teens) I did not recognize him to everyone's amusement.

How could I not know Hunter?

The clan has been together in the same area of Ohio forever. The 14 years Bens been with me in Californa never really took him out of the family loop. Now that he's back here, it's almost like he never left. I have to say I love being part of the "clan".

Today Ben's aunt Bobbie (Barb) had everyone to her home in Mansfield for "pigs in a blanket." (pork and ground beef balls with rice wrapped in cabbage in a soup of tomato and spices and sauerkraut. Thick chunks of bread and butter  and mashed potatoes finished the meal. All served straight from the kitchen to whoever showed up, whenever they showed up. The pot had been cooking for over 10 hours - started the day before and then reheated today so the flavors blended and mellowed. It was so unbelievably good and satisfying. We all ate wherever we could find a spot  while the tv played one of many football games. Ben helped this cousins set up his mom's new speaker system to go with her new tv. Ben and his cousin Lonnie worked together on the project - joking and teasing each other. Honestly they are as different as night and day, but underneath the "types" the connection - the family tie - is obvious. Ben- his tight black jeans, pink and black sneakers, red and black flannel topped with a black biker jacket, tatted and pierced, blue hair, goofy humor - in the snow, Ben makes snow men. In the snow, Lonnie waits for hours with a gun or bow for his prey to pass close enough for a clean kill. Lonnie with his home full of stuffed and mounted animals, deer watch his tv from behind his chair - the black bear comes out of the wall behind the tv. The turkeys and peasants are flattened into wall hangings. Lonnie - in his camo pants and loose muddy boots - hair trimmed short  - buff  - while Ben is a computer whiz who does art for a living. Lonnie works at a correctional facility. He is big and tough. I'm sure on one messes with Lonnie. Different. Wildly different. And yet I've watched them getting closer with each gathering.

Ben's family accepts each other 100%, Can't say they accept everyone - or every type - but once someone is in the family "clan" everyone has their back.

Every time we are with Ben's family - I feel - like I am a part of something.
It's wonderful to feel this much love - from them all and for them all.
 
And Ben.

“It was the best thing anyone had ever said to me, and it was the best for one reason: I felt exactly the same way. The person who loved me like this was the person I loved back — which can feel like an absolute miracle. It is an absolute miracle"

- Emily Giffin (via julie911) 

There’s nothing I could say to you
Nothing I could ever do to make you see
What you mean to me
All the pain the tears they cry
Still you never said goodbye and now I know how far you’d go
I know I let you down but its not like that now
This time I’ll never let you go

 
- Avril Lavigne (I Will Be)

 I really don’t like the word "end". Actually I hate it a lot. I don’t know why. I know everything has to come to an end. Everywhere in Bangkok is in the mood of celebration. It’s like every year. But I felt totally lonely. I don’t know why. Perhaps the mood of celebration has repeated me how lonely I am and plus people has gone vacations around this time of the year. It made me feel even worst.

I found myself walking down the same street everyday. Nothing has been changed. I saw people walked and laughed. But I was all alone. I finished my work late almost everyday. My friend has gone vacations. The same street during this time isn’t the same anymore. I try so very hard to cheer myself up. Facebook is another place I seem to have and one place there’s always friend who can give you a comment-- I know that's pathetic!

I went to have my hair curls. It feels so great to get such a new hair and it looks exactly what I want. But I still feel empty inside. I want Colin to see it! I want to be beautiful to him and I want him to see it. It doesn't matter what the world thinks of me but I want to know what he thinks of me.

I know that was just a dream—indeed it was. When I woke up I found myself alone where there was only me. I know I can’t ask for anything, distance is one big thing we have. I know he love me, I know we talk everyday. I know how much he cares about us.

But—I just can’t help to have this moment. Sad and all alone

I can hear the fireworks begun, follow by SMS, Skype and MSN alert—it was already New Year! And it seems like I’ve already broken the New Year resolutions the first minute it has started.

But I realized that I have friends who care about me. It’s like they have been hiding somewhere and suddenly they just pop up and saying HAPPY NEW YEAR to you. (Thanks for all! You don’t know what that means to me!)

I make my wish I hope I don’t have to be alone this year. I hope we have enough love and love conquers all.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!

Debbiesick

I coughed and wheezed all night long. No more "i'm ok, it's just a cold." I drive my mess down to urgent care.
Yes, I have a cold - and that cold has camped out in my lungs. Now it's bronchitis. I got a whole mess of meds to take and an shiny new inhaler. My script called for me to get a vaporizer and other non rx stuff and then to up my vitamin c, liquids, and REST. He asked if I needed a note for my empoyer so I could get out of working for a few days till the anibotics and steroids - whee.

Once I settled in on my second pot of tea I watched SHAKES THE CLOWN. Wow, I loved it. Bobcat rules.

Nym headed in to the vet today too. Like mommy he has a infection in his ears and in his nose. He's beside me right now on his part of the couch. Me, I'm on my end with my feet up watching tv for the 6th day in a row. But I don't want this to get worse - so - I'm resting with the steam of the humidifier filling the room with the scent of vicks.